Seven.

Seven years... feeling at a loss for words today, so I went back.  These last few days I have felt the need to go back.  Back through photos of her smiling, beautiful face.  Videos of her laughing, talking, moving.  The missing, seven years later, is every bit as deep.  So - today I will go back.  Back to where we grew up.  Back to share memories and honour her, as a family.  

 

The following are the words I spoke for Shari at her funeral seven years ago.  Since I don't have the words today, I will share these instead...

 

How do you put words to the loss of a daughter, a sister, an auntie, and a friend?  We can’t, and any efforts here to encapsulate the life of this angel will fall short. Shari, for those of you who didn’t know, walked a difficult road for most of her life.  Hers was perhaps not the path that my mom and dad would have hoped for when she entered this world all those years ago.  While she lived, while she grew, while she evolved and while she achieved… anxiety and depression were her constant travel companion.  Tired from the constant challenge of carrying this far too heavy burden, Shari left us last Monday in a moment we struggle to define and understand.

 

But while our gathering here today is defined by this sudden loss, Shari was much more than the burden she carried and the decision she made to ease her pain.  Few people epitomize the tag of  ‘gentle soul’ more than Shari.  How many of us carry our burdens with such grace, with such patience and beauty?  How many of us would literally stop to avoid hurting an insect, how many of us bite our tongues when confronted with an opinion or perspective we don’t agree with so as not to offend?  Shari glided through this world touching the lives of every person she met and negatively impacting so very few. 

 

It is easy for me to remember the sister that I admired, the person that I loved and looked up to.  When I was little and would wake from a bad dream, I ran scared to Shari’s bed for comfort.  Shari was my older sister, my confidant and my protector.  Over the years, and especially in this past year when things got scary for Shari, I am proud to say that she came to me and for what was one of the happiest times in my life she lived with my family.  I was honoured to have her turn to me for support and for me to be able to repay her for all of the times she had held me and protected me.  During those precious months I reflected on how beautiful she was, I laughed in ways only Shari could make me laugh and I watched her love and nurture my family in ways that I could never repay.  I will be eternally grateful for the love she showed Andrew, for the way she instilled her artistic temperament in Nora and for the confidence she gave Julian to have deep, philosophical conversations.  My sister has always been a part of me, and always will… but to see her reflected in my children and to see their love for her fills me with a pride I cannot put into words.  Thank you Shari for teaching me, from the day I was born, what true love and friendship is. 

 

To my mom and dad.  I cannot begin to understand the pain you feel today, but I remind you of your beautiful family and how much your children love and care for one another.  These past weeks have shone a light on how close we are and how much love we were raised with.  Shari never wanted to disappoint you and she ached when her emotional setbacks would cause you stress.  I know that you have carried the burden of her challenges more than anyone else.  You have done so with love and dignity and I know she loved you deeply for your efforts to respect and understand the complexity of her emotions.  The connection between you, parent and child, is epitomized by the harsh reality that while we searched for her for four very long days Dad knew where she was instantly.  Dad knew where she lay and felt intimately what her last steps had been.  Last Monday evening, tired of the struggle to be at peace with herself Shari walked from my house to the boathouse with the bright light.  She followed that light, and the metaphor here is not lost on any of us who were looking for the signs, she found comfort in that light and she would have her spent her last moments under it.  She entered the spot where dad said she was and there she entered into the light of another protector and the peace she so restlessly looked for her in life was given to her.  

 

Be at peace, my sweet sister, my best friend.  

I love you, always & forever.