Grief.

Well... hello there.  It has been a while.  I am not sure  quite where to begin.  It is crazy to think that I have not posted since 2016.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but it also feels like a million years ago.  If you would have told me four years ago, we would be in the middle of a global pandemic, and I would be home, with no idea as to when or if life will return to 'normal' again, I wouldn't have believed you.  To say these are bizarre days is an understatement.

I read this article a few weeks ago that beautifully articulated what we are all feeling - and that is:  grief.  As someone who has experienced intense grief, this instantly made perfect sense to me.  We are all losing something. Immediately, we have lost our freedom.  Bigger than that, the life we lived up until this moment is gone forever.  We don't know what life beyond this will look like.  There is also the very real fear right now that we, or our loved ones could become ill, or not make it through.

At the end of my final day at work, I went to my sister's bench - it is where I always go when I need peace and solitude.  The following week I went back to her bench for more of those good vibes, and as I stood behind it I quickly realized I was afraid to sit there.  What if someone else had been sitting there who was carrying this virus?  It was a sad moment.  The grief hit again - will I ever feel 'normal' sitting here after this?  Is there an 'after this'?  Will people be comfortable hugging or shaking hands again?  Will wearing masks in public become the norm?  Will we carry hand sanitizer and bottles of disinfectant everywhere we go?  So many questions...

For now, I am enjoying little things.  Slowing down.  Being home.  Time with family.  Phone calls with friends.  The importance of good wine and food have reached an entirely new, elevated status at our house.  A weekly take away from a favourite restaurant gives me something to look forward to.  I am resting, reflecting and trying to remain in the moment as much as possible.  I wrote a blog post for the first time in four years... :)

Maybe many of us will be better after this.  Maybe we will be kinder, more patient, more grateful.

I have always believed that grief, as painful and terrible as it is makes life on the other side far more beautiful.  The awareness and appreciation of what we do have becomes heightened.  The memories of what existed before, even sweeter.  

This is my hope.

jbxo